Ouch..

This may be pathetic, but I don't care. I need somewhere to vent, to since no one else seems to want to listen to me, I guess I will do it here. I've been really stressed out lately. First of all, I'm 20 years old... I have a four month old son, and I have a wife... and I just started going back to school, so needless to say, things are pretty hectic right now. I just feel so frustrated. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend Tiffany, whom I was with for two and a half years because of the horrid things I went through being with her. She mentally abused the shit out of me, until I was like mush.... and sometimes when she was brave enough, she would even hit and scratch me. I still have some of the scars to prove it. Thats why I left her. Thats why I got OUT of that relationship, because I never wanted to have to deal with that kind of shit again.

I'm just aggravated, because I feel so alone in my mind. I feel like my wife and I are growing further and further apart, not only do I see it happening, I can feel it. I'm mad because she just likes to do what she pleases without even letting me know. I know she is her own person and makes her own decisions regardless if I like them or not. I just don't see why I can't be filled in on things, like when she leaves.... is it so much to ask where shes going? Then whenever I want to go somewhere (which I admit is rare, because of my past and the horrible things that have happened to me, I really don't feel the need to have *people* around ALL the time). I've always been more of a loner... sometimes its easier that way. Then when I want to go somewhere, she gets an attitude, then if I'm not back RIGHT when I say I will be back, then she calls complaining. Then if I leave my phone in my car or something random and don't call her back RIGHT away, I get an attitude. I just feel like this is so unfair. Maybe I got married too young? I love my wife... if I didn't, I wouldn't have said *I do* on March 27th.... if I didn't love her, I wouldn't have stuck around after I found out she was pregnant with my kid. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't try and take care of her as much as I do. I know I am a little possessive, but how the fuck would you feel if you've lost everything thats ever been even remotely close to you? I have. Everytime something is right, it gets fucked up some how. So now a days, when I find something good, I fight to keep it in my life. I feel like all happiness eventually is just wiped away from me.... like I don't deserve it. Like I don't deserve to be loved...?

I feel so alone right now. It doesn't make any sense... but it's in my heart, and it's how I feel. I can't talk to my wife, because it turns into an argument, or a fight. Reality is what it is, it just feels like were growing apart, going in separate places. Sometimes I almost feel the only reason we stay together through all the bullshit we put each other though, is only because of our son, and even I know thats not healthy. A kid isn't a reason to hold a marriage together, it only makes things worse, and as the years go by, it worsens. Maybe i'm just rambeling, but don't my feelings matter anymore?? Or am I just suppose to suck it up and deal with it? I want to matter! I know I do, and i'm (to a point) probably being stupid.... but I'm just afraid were going to fall apart and crumble. We can't come to agreements... whatever happened to just being civilized? Maybe i'm making myself to be a little too innocent here, thats NOT my intention. I'm no fucking angel trust me. I'm a badass, with a big mouth and a shitty attitude. I can admit it though? I know my faults. I'm probably boarderline bi-polar... and I am severely depressed and have been for a LONG time... the thing is, I don't really have anything to be depressed about. I have a beautiful healthy son, and a beautiful wife, who loves me... but sometimes I just don't feel like it's going to last. The fights are constant, at least a couple times a week, somedays more than others. I used to be SO amazingly good with words... let me tell you. I had charm, I used to be the prince of words... it just all came so naturally. Now I find myself struggeling to even think. My mind is so blurry and clustered right now, sometimes I feel like i'm going to explode. I just wish I had someone in PERSON to talk too... like my wife, I wish we could talk like we used too, its just such a huge pain in the ass, because it always ends up in a disagreement or an argument.

I guess part of it is my problem. I'm a loner, I don't feel the need to have people around me all the time. Actually, I find it rather annoying. If it was just me and my family for the rest of my life... sure it would kind of suck, but really... it wouldn't be so bad. Thats just how I am. I was so depressed as a teen, and went through my "gothic" phase, and my dark phase... I just pushed all those feelings aside, and eventually I guess forgot them all together. I just wish I was enough for her. I know everyone needs to get out... but why don't I feel that need? Why am I content with just being around her and my son... maybe i'm too easy going. I don't even know why i'm typing this shit, its like a fucking book now... you all probably think i'm crazy... I just really don't have anyone else to talk too, and I hate feeling so alone... so whoever reads this... thanks...